I haven't made a post in about a year and half. A lot has happened since then. Even still I've left a lot out from this post because good golly, that could take a whole book to tell. Here's the condensed version. HA. That's funny because this is a long post.
A year and a half ago my life was about to change in ways I couldn't imagine. I had been finishing up a long term substitute teaching position, and it was just before I was going to be offered my first teaching job.
I was at a place where I felt things were going to blow up, in a good way. After about 6 years of feeling unsure of my calling, leaving my calling, and essentially just existing to exist, I felt that my purpose was renewed. I was reminded I was meant to be a teacher over a long, confusing series of events and for the first time in so long I had felt renewed.
Before my long term substitute position was over, I was offered my first teaching position. It felt as though my time had finally come. I had watched friend after friend find their careers, have a family, have a home, the full on American Dream. I watched them in pure jealousy wondering when my time was coming. When this position was offered to me I knew it had come, and I began battling a series of emotions that were hard to describe. I now recognize one emotion as guilt, because I knew the prior jealousy was not of God and that clearly He had a plan and that I was too stubborn to realize it. He has always had the perfect timing, that of which I had learned time after time again in years before but it would seemed I needed another reminder. I felt pride, being reminded that I was called and meant to teach, but also feeling scared because I had been "out of the loop" for so long. I felt that I had something to prove because I had essentially obtained this position through people who stuck out their necks for me because they saw something in me and in return I felt inadequate because....what if they were wrong?
So I began my first year teaching. It was probably the most challenging thing I had had to go through yet. As someone reentering the education field after a long sabbatical (that's what I'll refer to it as) I faced trials that I didn't always understand how to navigate. Though the year was hard, I was able to find successes, and upon reflection of the path I was down, I knew it was the right path. God had placed me there for a reason and I wasn't going to give up again. I had found myself among an incredible team of people who helped carry me through my first year. I walked away from that year with so much more wisdom, skills, and purpose than I had ever had before. I still have a lot to learn (oh so much!) but I've never been more sure of where I am in life.
While my first year teaching was underway, I had been struggling with a different inner battle. Not many of you know, because it was not something that I shared, but Jay and I had been trying to start a family for about a year and a half. Feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of infertility flooded my mind all the time, and I found myself struggling to congratulate anyone who had seemingly gotten pregnant "right away" because I was dealing with those inner demons, Jealousy and Comparison, yet again. Looking back, Jay and I were able to get pregnant at the perfect time. I can't imagine having to have gone through my entire first year teaching either pregnant or with an infant. It would have been too much for me. God knew that! Pregnancy came at the perfect time, and I now laugh at the thought that I thought I knew better.
So it seemed I was getting all of the things I wanted in a row, when God gave us the 3rd thing I've been desiring for so long (renewing my purpose and having a family being the 1st and 2nd). Jay and I found ourselves in a place where we could finally acquire home ownership. In the end it was (and still is) a much larger undertaking than we had initially wanted. We originally wanted a move-in ready townhouse, because we felt we weren't ready to care for a single family home and well, let's get real here, we are NOT fixer uppers. Of course, through an interesting turn of events, we found ourselves purchasing a much older single family home with huge renovation plans. It's still a work in progress (though we are taking a break from projects for a bit with baby coming soon), but in general it has what we were looking for in a home. It's been tough getting used to lawn care, and the frustrations of owning a home, but we are so proud that we have made it here. And we are completely, 100% aware that we couldn't have come to this place of home ownership and remodeling without the gracious help of family. It hasn't always been fun (the remodeling process) but in the end it has been a larger blessing than we could have ever realized.
So here I am, in the present, realizing that all my dreams have come to fruition. I laugh at my old self often for thinking I knew better, and mourn for how long I allowed Jealousy and Comparison to destroy my inner self.
I'm not saying life is always sunshine and daisies now. I still have inner battles...certain fears, jealousies, feelings of inadequacy, and anxieties that make themselves all too present on some days. However, this time around I can say with certainty that I know God has a plan for it all. And I've learned that He truly has the most perfect timing. The last several years of battles and experiences I've faced now make sense. I understand perfectly how God was present through all of it and I feel more confident than ever that He is in control and He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me.
No matter what comes now I know that am taken care of. Things always work out...even if it takes a while to get there.
No comments:
Post a Comment