Life as of late

I haven't made a post in about a year and half. A lot has happened since then. Even still I've left a lot out from this post because good golly, that could take a whole book to tell. Here's the condensed version. HA. That's funny because this is a long post.

A year and a half ago my life was about to change in ways I couldn't imagine. I had been finishing up a long term substitute teaching position, and it was just before I was going to be offered my first teaching job.

I was at a place where I felt things were going to blow up, in a good way. After about 6 years of feeling unsure of my calling, leaving my calling, and essentially just existing to exist, I felt that my purpose was renewed. I was reminded I was meant to be a teacher over a long, confusing series of events and for the first time in so long I had felt renewed.

Before my long term substitute position was over, I was offered my first teaching position. It felt as though my time had finally come. I had watched friend after friend find their careers, have a family, have a home, the full on American Dream. I watched them in pure jealousy wondering when my time was coming. When this position was offered to me I knew it had come, and I began battling a series of emotions that were hard to describe. I now recognize one emotion as guilt, because I knew the prior jealousy was not of God and that clearly He had a plan and that I was too stubborn to realize it. He has always had the perfect timing, that of which I had learned time after time again in years before but it would seemed I needed another reminder. I felt pride, being reminded that I was called and meant to teach, but also feeling scared because I had been "out of the loop" for so long. I felt that I had something to prove because I had essentially obtained this position through people who stuck out their necks for me because they saw something in me and in return I felt inadequate because....what if they were wrong?

So I began my first year teaching. It was probably the most challenging thing I had had to go through yet. As someone reentering the education field after a long sabbatical (that's what I'll refer to it as) I faced trials that I didn't always understand how to navigate. Though the year was hard, I was able to find successes, and upon reflection of the path I was down, I knew it was the right path. God had placed me there for a reason and I wasn't going to give up again. I had found myself among an incredible team of people who helped carry me through my first year. I walked away from that year with so much more wisdom, skills, and purpose than I had ever had before. I still have a lot to learn (oh so much!) but I've never been more sure of where I am in life.

While my first year teaching was underway, I had been struggling with a different inner battle. Not many of you know, because it was not something that I shared, but Jay and I had been trying to start a family for about a year and a half. Feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of infertility flooded my mind all the time, and I found myself struggling to congratulate anyone who had seemingly gotten pregnant "right away" because I was dealing with those inner demons, Jealousy and Comparison, yet again. Looking back, Jay and I were able to get pregnant at the perfect time. I can't imagine having to have gone through my entire first year teaching either pregnant or with an infant. It would have been too much for me. God knew that! Pregnancy came at the perfect time, and I now laugh at the thought that I thought I knew better.

So it seemed I was getting all of the things I wanted in a row, when God gave us the 3rd thing I've been desiring for so long (renewing my purpose and having a family being the 1st and 2nd). Jay and I found ourselves in a place where we could finally acquire home ownership. In the end it was (and still is) a much larger undertaking than we had initially wanted. We originally wanted a move-in ready townhouse, because we felt we weren't ready to care for a single family home and well, let's get real here, we are NOT fixer uppers. Of course, through an interesting turn of events, we found ourselves purchasing a much older single family home with huge renovation plans. It's still a work in progress (though we are taking a break from projects for a bit with baby coming soon), but in general it has what we were looking for in a home. It's been tough getting used to lawn care, and the frustrations of owning a home, but we are so proud that we have made it here. And we are completely, 100% aware that we couldn't have come to this place of home ownership and remodeling without the gracious help of family. It hasn't always been fun (the remodeling process) but in the end it has been a larger blessing than we could have ever realized.

So here I am, in the present, realizing that all my dreams have come to fruition. I laugh at my old self often for thinking I knew better, and mourn for how long I allowed Jealousy and Comparison to destroy my inner self.

I'm not saying life is always sunshine and daisies now. I still have inner battles...certain fears, jealousies, feelings of inadequacy, and anxieties that make themselves all too present on some days. However, this time around I can say with certainty that I know God has a plan for it all. And I've learned that He truly has the most perfect timing. The last several years of battles and experiences I've faced now make sense. I understand perfectly how God was present through all of it and I feel more confident than ever that He is in control and He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me.

No matter what comes now I know that am taken care of. Things always work out...even if it takes a while to get there.

Love you, Momma.

What do you give the woman who gave you LIFE?

The woman who dried your tears when you were sad, the woman who took care of you when you were sick. The woman who you shared laughs, glances from across the room when you knew what each other was thinking. The woman who supported you in every step of your dream to become a teacher. The woman who never, for one second, wavered in believing in you, even though you thought you were a failure and that you misread your entire life's purpose?

My mother is a strong woman. She always has been. Regardless of what she thinks, she is strong. She is brave, and she is courageous.

Her life has dealt her a very long series of challenges from the beginning of her life to her present day. Somehow, this woman continues to show love to everyone around her. When she sees a need in her daily life, she finds a way to fill it. She wants those around her to feel loved, because she knows what it feels like to feel unloved. She is compassionate, she is kind, she is giving, she is generous, she is love.

And of all the mothers in the world, that the Lord could have given me, He gives me this woman. This beautiful, courageous, brave and loving woman.  Check out this radiant and contagious smile :)

Momma, I love you. I wish I could give you the WORLD.

Homemade Honey Nut Granola - YUM!

The last couple months I've been perfecting a homemade granola recipe!

I LOVE granola.

I HATE how expensive it can be!

So I decided to start making it at home in bulk. The first couple times I made it I burned a pan or two, but I think I've finally perfected a recipe that I love (and so does Jay!).

I found a basic granola recipe online and I've modified it to fit what I want in a tasty, crunchy granola! 

Honey Nut Granola

Yields approximately 6 cups of delicious goodness!

Dry Ingredients:

-4 cups rolled oats (not the instant kind!)

-1 cup chopped/sliced nuts (I typically used chopped pecans and sliced almonds)

-2 tablespoons hemp seeds (or flax seeds! use whatever you prefer!)

-1 tablespoon ground cinnamon

-1/2 teaspoon salt

-Raisins if desired

Wet Ingredients:

-1/3 cup coconut oil (melted to a liquid state)

-2/3 cup honey 

-1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Combine oats, nuts, hemp seeds, cinnamon, and salt in a large bowl. Mix together. 

In another smaller bowl, whisk coconut oil, honey, and vanilla extract until blended well. Pour wet mixture into oats, and stir together until all oats are coated evenly. 

Spread the mixture on a large baking pan lined with foil (or parchment paper if you prefer) to create an even but thin layer. Bake for 11 minutes. (though if your oven is like mine, you may have to bake it a smidge longer)

Take pan out and stir granola mixture, respreading the oats until the layer is even again. Bake for an additional 11 minutes. Take out and cool completely. Mix in raisins if desired, and store in an airtight container.

 

I made a triple batch this morning! YUM!  We are set with tasty homemade granola cereal for a while. I find it lasts a good while too! I usually have to use a couple pans and set up a cooling station for the granola.

I love granola because you can't really mess it up (unless you burn it like I did the first time or two), and you can always add in other ingredients, or take out ingredients you don't like! Too sweet? Add less honey. Or use Agave Nectar (I ran out of honey but had Agave Nectar so the batch pictured has both). Allergic to nuts? Don't put them in!

Hope you enjoy this recipe if you end up using it! 

Also? It makes your house smell DIVINE for hours.

10 Things You May Not Know About Me

I thought since the last two of my blog posts were rather serious...I'd switch it up with something a bit more fun!

Now you may know some or all of these. You may not. Either way I hope you have fun reading about me!

[ONE] My FAVORITE movie...is not a Disney Movie. It's not Harry Potter. Or The Hunger Games...or any of those. My favorite movie stars Judy Garland, and it's an old movie filmed in 1944.

Is it super cheesy? Yes. Does it have a love story? Yes. Is it full of song? YES. LOVE. And it makes me feel so cozy and warm when I watch it.

[TWO] My Uncle Tom introduced me to a band called Five Iron Frenzy many many years ago. They quickly became a favorite band of mine...

Until my brother decided it was his favorite band. RUDE. Which of course, made me mad. So I pretended to hate their music for years. Until one day I couldn't handle it anymore. I admitted, finally, that I loved their music and well my brother wouldn't let me live it down for a loooooooong time.

(BONUS: I've done similar things with My Humps by Black Eyed Peas, and Taylor Swift. I secretly liked them for a very long time until one day I had enough and my love for the song/music had to come out)

[THREE] I forced myself in to liking (er...LOVING) coffee. I used to detest the way it tasted. I've always loved the way it smelled, but it's taste just never made sense to me. "WHY WOULD ANYONE LIKE THAT STUFF", I'd often wonder. "It's an acquired taste" people would tell me. I didn't understand what was so great about something if you had to acquire the taste.

Then, one day I realized all my friends liked coffee. Well, guess what, I wanted to like coffee too. Only I thought it was awful.

So I decided I was going to like coffee, and I didn't care how much personal torture I would have to go through to like it.

GOOD JOB, MEL. You like it now. Only you like it a little too darn much. *shakes head*

[FOUR] My FAVORITE christmas present, ever, was my American Girl doll - Samantha. I've always been blessed in the gift receiving department, but the one gift as a child that I will never forget is my Samantha doll. I remember our family tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve, and I remember Jordan and I sitting on Mom and Dad's bed. We had our gifts in front of us and it was my turn to open my gift (we always took turns so we could watch what everyone got!) and my heart leaped for joy when I saw that brilliant brown head of hair and that beautiful plaid dress. She was finally mine! She was perfect. I'll never forget opening that gift.

Now most dolls creep the heeby jeebies out of me. Not Samantha though. Samantha will always be perfect. :)

[FIVE] I COULD EAT PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES EVERYDAY. That's all. They are just excellent. Ugh. Especially grilled.

[SIX] I love camping. Love camping.

LOVE. CAMPING. IN TENTS.

"Oh you don't look like someone who likes camping"...I've heard that more times than I care to admit. You don't have to look a certain way to like camping. I'm not all super duper handy in the wilderness (meaning I'll be camping at a camp site with certain luxuries like showers and toilets), but that doesn't mean I don't like it!

I love being the first person up, starting the fire and making a good cup of coffee to sit with, listening to the early sounds of the summer.  I love good hikes, breathing the fresh air. The coziness of my sleeping bag and the sounds of night surrounding me. S'mores. Guitar playing by the fire at night. Laughter and card games. Mmmmmm.

This picture was taken on a hike at Banning State Park from a camping trip this past summer! <3

[SEVEN] I hate grocery shopping. My husband and I both don't like it much. It's just like the worst. I just feel like there are a million other things I'd rather be doing like....even laundry or cleaning, really anything but grocery shopping. #firstworldproblems

[EIGHT] I have super weird dreams. On average I have about 2 dreams a night that I can recall the next day. My favorite dreams are where I can fly and I am in control. It's like I have a real super power...only it's in my dream so it's definitely not real....or is it...

Speaking of super powers, I recently dreamed I was The Flash's sidekick...and I could travel time too. We had to go back and forth through time for a reason I can't remember. But we could only travel time through a portal, and no humans could see us or our secret would be out. And the portal was in the equivalent of Times Square so it was very tricky...

There was also that one dream where giant leprechauns chased me and I was in a getaway go-kart. Everything was in super neon colors...

I could recall some of my worst nightmares. However, in hopes of sweet dreams for me and for you tonight, I shall not tell of them.

[NINE] I am pretty sure I am socially awkward. Not always. But like sometimes? This is me:

Oh! I thought you were waving at me. Sorry.

How I feel and probably look when I meet someone I don't know. Not always. But I just never know what I'm going to be like.

Also this. When I feel uncomfortable I probably do something like this.

[TEN] LAST BUT NOT LEAST! My idea of a good Friday night involves staying in the house. I'd much rather hang out with 1 or 2 friends than around a large group of people. Now and again it is fun to dress up and go out or see loads of people. But it's rare. But truthfully, I'm a homebody.

The following Friday nights pretty much sum up my version of a good time.

1. Order pizza, watch a movie, or binge watch a show on Netflix with Jay.

2. Invite a friend (or two friends haha) over, make some fun eats and watch a movie, play card games or video games with that friend (or two) and Jay.

Keep it small. Keep it simple.

Oh. Going out to see movies at the theater also is good.




So there you have it! 10 things about me, that you may or may not know.

Love, peace, and chicken grease, folks!

Exhausted.

Today was exhausting. 

As some of you know, I have entered back into the world of education. I've decided to put my foot back in that door, and so just about a month ago I became a Substitute Teacher.

It has been a very interesting experience.

I'll be completely honest. Being a Substitute Teacher is a hard job. Most days of the week I come home exhausted...in the past month, I've come home in tears once.

We (referencing Substitute Teachers) walk in to new classrooms every day. Sometimes, we see multiple classrooms a day. We are walking in to completely different management styles, different students, different atmospheres. Somehow, we have to seamlessly continue on a teacher's daily lesson plan after reviewing it for a short time in the morning before students begin to arrive. Sometimes, the plans make sense. Sometimes the plans make no sense. Sometimes, you have to completely reorganize the afternoon in 5 minutes when a guest speaker walks in to the room that was not in the afternoon schedule. Sometimes you feel successful, sometimes you fake it till you make it. Sometimes you just feel like a joke, or think that the kids and other teachers who witness you in action think you are a joke. 

Someday, hopefully soon, I will have my own classroom. Teaching in general isn't easy, but there is a comfort in knowing where you will be everyday. There is a comfort in knowing you get to work with the same kids everyday, tracking their progress, to establish routine. There is a comfort in having a team of teachers surrounding you, where you all get to collaborate and share ideas. Teaching your own classroom is highly different from Substitute Teaching.

On the tough days, the days where I feel like I am just awful at teaching, I remind myself of this. I am creating connections, I am getting to know the schools in the district I want to work in.  This is how I get my "in". I know I am a good teacher. Being a Substitute Teacher is my way of networking in to a future job.

The moral of this story. 

Sometimes days are rough. PUSH THROUGH THOSE. You are working your way to your place, your passion. Don't let a bad day make you feel like you are on the wrong path. Look at the bigger picture. 

Whatever your goals are:

Stay strong! Be bold! Don't stop!

You can do this.

I've seen this photo before, but it's the damn truth. Real success has a lot of squiggles, a lot of ups and downs, lots of steps forward but plenty of steps back.

You are worth it.

I'm an open, honest person. At least I believe I am. So sometimes I overshare. If you don't care, don't read it :)

I've had a GOOD life. A blessed life. I LOVE my life. So this is not me complaining. The past 5 years after moving to Minnesota has been a growing experience, and I am who I am today because of everything I have been through.

In the past 5 years, I've done a lot of career guessing.

I've gone from Teacher, to Substitute Teacher, to Nanny, to Before and After School Care Teacher, to Mary Kay Lady, to Patient Care Coordinator, to Event Planner/Business Owner, to an Office Sales Assistant.

I allowed myself to believe I am a failure.

I have seen a lot of fluctuation in my weight. Mostly it going up.

I have watched myself stop caring about my hobbies.

I have watched myself communicate less and less with those I love. Friends, family.

I remember one day, admitting my failure to my husband. He looked at me, tears in my eyes, and proclaimed, "You are NOT a failure. You've tried some things. They didn't work out. That doesn't mean you failed. I've never viewed you as a failure."

He said this to me a couple years ago, and while it meant the world to me, I didn't believe it for myself. And without going in to huge detail, and telling an incredibly long story, I'll sum it up with how one day I finally decided to believe it.

I am NOT a failure.

In fact, all of those situations have given me experiences that no other person on this earth will ever get to have. They have made me who I am today and I am EXCITED to see what is coming. I wouldn't change any of those experiences one bit.

I will be a teacher.

I will gain control of my health.

I will pursue my passions.

I will change lives, and I believe those lives will be changed for the better. 

I will succeed. I am worth it.

I want to tell you, today, that you are NOT a failure. 

You only fail if you sit in your own self pity and stay there.

Pick yourself up, start again. Do this until you make it. You are worth it.

Join me on this journey!